In our last adoption update, we shared that we matched with an expectant mother and were flying out to meet her and go to her next ultrasound appointment. Many of you have been anxious to hear how it went and we’ll start by assuring you that it went AMAZINGLY well.
We ARE in love already…with both the baby and this baby’s mama!
We honestly needed a few days to let it all soak in and enjoy our time on cloud nine.
It’s hard to even put into words the amount of love we have towards this sweet expectant mother. She immediately felt like family and we got to spend two days with her while we were out visiting…and that still wasn’t enough. There’s no doubt in our minds that we were destined to connect and she will forever be a big part of our lives.
But before you jump to say “congratulations”, please remember…
This is not our baby. This is HER baby.
We’re just lucky enough to be coming along for the journey and it’s going to be beautiful no matter how it ends. We’re choosing to support her and have full confidence that she will make the very best decision.
The love we have is not dependent on whether or not she chooses to place this baby with us. The fact is, we have four months to go and life can change in a matter of days, let alone months.
To be honest, this update wasn’t exactly easy…
It felt a little weird taking a photo with the ultrasound. This may seem like the most exciting update we’ve given, but it’s also not at all easy. There’s just SO MANY emotions.
She was so gracious to let us be at the ultrasound appointment. She begged her doctors office to make the exception, as they had strict regulations due to Covid-19. She even tracked down our own strip of photos to take home with us.
She’s been way more thoughtful of us than she even needs to be, especially considering how difficult this time is for her. So we want to be just as thoughtful of her. We made sure she read this update first and felt comfortable with it and even double checked :).
We never ever ever want her to feel pressured or uncomfortable in any way. We’ve been pretty public with this process, and she’s obviously aware of that. But we’ve chosen to do so because we know there are so many misconceptions about adoption, we had a lot of them ourselves before embarking on this journey.
We want everyone to be reminded that there is a whole different side of all this. We think all too often people praise the adoptive family for “saving a life” and love to celebrate their dream of becoming parents or growing their family. They get the “spotlight” all too often.
We’ve heard so many people say “how could you give up your baby?” and we strongly believe the birth mother side of an adoption is unfairly judged and not portrayed the way it should be.
Now that we’re in the thick of this relationship, it’s all become very eye opening for us. She deserves all the respect in the world. It doesn’t matter what the circumstances a birth mother is facing and the reasons why she is considering adoption. All that matters is that she is making the most selfless decision imaginable.
Adoption isn’t the “easy way out” (we’ve seriously heard some really hurtful language). Adoption can be beautiful, but it comes at a high emotional cost for her and while it can be what’s best for her and for the baby, it’s still a painful experience she will carry with her for the rest of her life.
That being said, we’re SUPER protective of her and always will be. We’ll always speak highly of her, regardless of any challenges we face in this process. We’re also committed to supporting her far beyond this baby’s due date, especially if she chooses to place this baby with us.
“What if she changes her mind?”
We hear this question a lot and this was our greatest fear coming into the adoption process. We know it’s also the greatest fear of all of our loved ones supporting us because they’re worried we’d be crushed. But, the funny thing is, we feel strangely at peace with whatever she chooses.
In case you aren’t aware of the process, she does not legally have to make any decisions until 24 hours after the baby is born (this law is specific to the state that she is delivering in and the amount of hours vary for each state). It doesn’t matter what “plans” we have in place, what promises she has made us, etc. It would never be fair to make her sign away her rights to her baby before it was even born and in fact, we personally feel 24 hours is pushing it. Could you imagine making such a huge decision just a day after giving birth – on pain meds and extremely hormonal?!
Fortunately for her though, she also has a period of time after she signs to terminate her rights to revoke her decision and not move forward with the adoption plan. During this time frame, there are no questions asked and she will immediately receive her parental rights back.
So, if she “changes her mind”, that is her right. And we remind her of that often. She is NOT in any way obligated to us and we’d never want her to feel that way.
We don’t even like using the phrase “change her mind” because that sounds like she’s deciding between what to order at a restaurant for lunch. We know her well enough now to know that she has put her entire heart, soul and energy into this decision. While she’s assured us she is confident in moving forward with adoption, that doesn’t mean it’s easy.
If you’re a parent, you know how difficult every single decision you make for your child is. This is that feeling times infinity. We trust her completely and we (and many of you) pray for her often, so we feel confident she will know what’s best when the time comes.
Either way, we feel honored to be a part of her life during this time. It will be rewarding just knowing that we supported her throughout one of the most challenging seasons of her life and by doing so, we helped her make the best decision.
So yes, we could show up to the hospital and leave empty handed. We could hold this baby and fall in love instantly just like she will and have to hand him back over. We may decide to make a nursery and choose to name this baby and then come back home to an empty crib and have to grieve the loss of what could have been our baby.
Does that break our hearts to think about? Absolutely!
But guess who has to experience that if this baby does become ours…she does! She has to grieve the loss of this baby who is a part of her, who she has cared for 9 months. She has to leave the hospital empty handed.
It’s not just about us. We can’t emphasize that enough.
It’s not just about her, either. It’s about this baby! And one thing is for certain, we can all agree we want what’s best for baby.
So here’s what we know everyone has been waiting for…
As we mentioned, the doctor’s office made an exception and allowed Lindsay to go back to see the ultrasound. She even got to take a video of the monitor and captured baby’s heartbeat so Dan could see a part of it, too!
We never imagined we’d ever get an ultrasound photo, let alone be in person to see it! It was one of the greatest blessings of our life and we are beyond grateful. We know that most adoptive couples never get this and we aren’t taking it for granted one bit.
This healthy little BOY is coming in October!!
He is SO loved by us, his mom, and many others…and THAT is what’s most important right now.
Regardless of who will parent him, he deserves to be celebrated! We all know God has incredible plans for him and his life. We hope he will always know how much love and planning went into ensuring he was given the life he deserves.
It’s not going to get easier, though.
The more this baby grows, the further this pregnancy and our relationship progresses, the more “real” this is going to feel and the more intense things are going to get.
The good news is that we have plenty of time to process it all. The three of us (I guess FOUR of us!) are happy to have time on our side so we can continue to bond and feel all the necessary emotions. Our prayer is that by the time baby arrives, she feels extremely comfortable with us in order to make the right decision. There’s really no way of fully preparing for any birth, but it will be nice to feel somewhat ready!
That being said, this may be the last update for awhile. We have a lot to learn and prepare before we could potentially become parents! She also has some big and exciting changes coming for her and we’re eager to support and encourage her through them.
Thanks everyone for your sensitivity and constant prayers for all of us. This is new territory for us and we’re trying our hardest to honor the adoption process, and most importantly this mom and baby. We hope that by sharing all this, we’ve shed some light on the adoption process that maybe you weren’t aware of.
We also want you to know that she has seen all the sweet comments and feels honored to be included in all your thoughts, prayers, and well wishes! Thank you for being such an amazing support to us and her.
Love to you all,
Dan + Lindsay
Excited for the two of you. Just came across your blog. Our son and daughter-in-law adopted bio sisters. Baby came first and older sister came 2 months later. You are going to be amazing parents from what I’ve read so far.
Aw Linda that is so sweet of you to share and say. We appreciate the encouragement and hope that your son’s story offered. We know God has a perfect plan for us!!
So great to hear! Very great outlooks on it all – it is a process and the nice part is the preparing beforehand.
Thank you!! It’s definitely a process but time is on our side for sure! Thanks for the support <3
WOW! Such a heartfelt post and update. I could feel the emotion of everyone portrayed in the post. Thank you for being so honest and raw about the process to date. There are so many who would judge having never walked a step in any of your shoes. I am praying for all four of you to continue to grow, thrive and live the best lives that God has planned.
Thank you so much for these sweet words, for your encouragement, and constant prayers throughout this! It means the world to us. We love you Kelley!
I wanted to applaud you both for having such a respectful outlook on the adoption process. It was refreshing to read your opinions, where you highlighted how emotional and difficult the decision is for the biological mother. I hope you continue to think this way with an open mind when your family comes across challenges. Parenting is so rewarding and I wish you all peace during this process.
Thank you so much Debbie! We’re definitely trying our hardest and know that the learning and growing will continue FOREVER. It’s always going to be a part of our child’s story and we’re committed to doing everything we can to honor HER. Thanks for your sweet words and encouragement.
Wow guys! Thanks for sharing such an amazing time in your lives! I came across your blog today – (Not really sure how, maybe RV entrepreneur or one of the other RV sites I follow?) I clicked on it expecting stories to do with RV living, as we’re hoping to spend a lot more time on the road ourselves, hoping to work remotely. But as I started checking out your stories, I saw that you were in the middle of the adoption journey! Brings back soooo many memories, as my wife and I have traveled that path of… Read more »
Wow! Thank you SO much for taking the time to read this and share your own adoption journey. That means so much. We appreciate you following along and sending love and encouragement. We are excited to hear you plan to hit the road and are here to support you in any way. Let us know if you have specific questions or how we can help at all. God bless!!
Okay, officially bawling my eyes out! Praying for you guys and for this beautiful mama! Love you all!
Aw thanks! We love you Jenny (and family!) Your prayers mean the world to us!
She is not a birth mother until the TPR has been signed and the waiting period has ended. I’m wondering what support she has been offered to parent.
Thank you for this comment. We never called her a birth mother in this post, because we are very aware of that. I appreciate your dedication to ensuring the rights of birth mothers are honored and that they are given the support they deserve every step of the way to make the best decision for THEM. We 100% feel the same. We don’t want to share too much of her personal journey, but have ensured that she has received that support and continues to throughout the pregnancy and even after birth. Thanks again for looking out for her!
What a journey! Prayers for all of you!
A journey for sure! Thank you SO much for the prayers Karen.
Wow! Crying over my hot tea and typing through tears. Praying for the 4 of you and everyone else involved. No matter what happens, this baby will be so loved. Thank all 3 of you for opening your heart and sharing your story.
Aw this warms our hearts. Thank you Brooke! So sweet of you.
I love how you are both so incredibly grateful to this amazing birth mother. Having a niece who was adopted by a wonderful family and having a grandaughter who is adopted…I can tell you “it takes more love to give your baby up, than to keep it, when you know in your heart it is the best for your baby”. I don’t know the birth mother, but I am so incredibly proud of this hard and emotional journey she is on…she sounds like her heart is full of love! Dan and Lindsay, you will be awesome and loving parents to… Read more »
Thank you so much Ruth! That means A LOT to us. You’ve been so wonderful throughout this process. Wish we could reach through the computer and give you a huge hug.